Where to begin?
I haven't posted here in a while. Honestly? It's because I've been avoiding it.
A LOT of things have happened since the last time I posted here.
Truth be told, when I write - I need to be in a specific mindset. Not necessarily a "writers-mindset" but just... mentally strong enough to deal with processing my thoughts.
Since my last post, a lot of things happened. Most of which completely took me by surprise and put my life on a different trajectory from what I had originally set it for. It wasn't easy.
It marked the darkest part of my journey so far. It accumulated in a year of failure and modesty.
At times, things were looking so dire I did not dare to contemplate them. I cannot begin to explain what happened yet. I don't think I'm ready to do it yet. Perhaps in time, I will gain a better perspective once this storm has been sailed through.
I was lost. In many ways, I still am. But I think what marks the difference now is me understanding how lost I was. I was so focused on figuring out everything, so obsessed with denying my own shortcomings that I completely neglected the importance of letting things go. It's kind of ironic, because I've always had a weird balance of borderline compulsive planning with a seemingly easy attitude to deal with the unexpected. But this time around, I guess I finally really found myself truly out of steam, out of breath, out of sheer strength and will-power to crawl through.
I found out that I too, have a limit. And let me tell you, figuring out that I'm not as strong as I thought I am was probably the hardest thing I have ever come to realize.
I kept on pushing, even though my body was aching. I kept on pushing even though my health was deteriorating. I kept on pushing until I had nothing left to keep me going. Instead of just realizing how overwhelmed I was, I kept on going - thinking there would be light at the end of the tunnel, if I could only just get a tiny bit more done.
Boy was I wrong.
I was under tremendous pressure, not only by the outside world, but by my own standards to meet demands that were simply unrealistic. I was lost. I knew I was lost. And I was freaking out.
It took me a while, and a certain set of events to finally reembark on the path of finding myself.
It all started with a glimmer of hope lighting up in my heart. Seemingly unknowingly I was reminded by a stranger of that which I had forgotten a long time ago - the source of my inner strength does not radiate from myself but instead I gain it through others.
This little.. shimmer of hope, helped me push through the first few obstacles I was facing, which were the hardest to break through. To get me moving in the right direction again.
But of course, as things are.. I was met with a setback again. This setback almost broke my back again, but I had the spirit to keep on going. I had seen who I was, what I had become and what I wanted to become and I kept on pushing again towards what I wanted to be.
This eventually led to me having the best summer of my life.
And I am thankful.
To rekindle with myself, to reconcile with my past, my failures but to also dare to do something that I had not done in such a long time.. to dream. To hope.
Which again brings me to where we are now.
A few days ago, I was hit by a car. A hit and run accident when I was on my bike. Fortunately I managed to avoid getting seriously injured. But being hit... brought perspective to me again.
Sometimes life brings us dark and gloomy views, and life twists and turns and hurls so much that we forget our purpose. We get lost in the madness and lose track of what is truly important.
Sitting in an empty room, trying to forget the past instead of focusing on the future. Living at the mercy of the pain and darkness instead of fighting for what we truly dream, what we truly hope for deep in our own hearts. What I realized, after all these years abroad, is not how empty and silent things are - but rather how fragile and beautiful life truly is. How wonderful hope and love is. That what it all comes down to in the end, is a feeling, so fragile yet so beautiful.
That feeling you get when you wake up next to someone, that feeling when time stands still and nothing else matters. The feeling of connection, not to the material, but the metaphysical. To life. To love, to hope, to ambition, to the insatiable pursuit of happiness and completeness which drives us beyond our greatest sorrows and hardships and lands us where it may. Regardless of the outcome.
The hardest part of ending is starting again. Picking up the pieces and rearranging them.
Anyway, I kind of lost track of where I'm going with this. I've managed to get a cold from my wonderful little niece (some day you might end up reading this, so let me reassure you that I love you pulling my eyelids to wake me up).
I'll leave you with some lyrics to Linkin Park - Waiting for the End along with the video.
This is not the endThis is not the beginningJust a voice like a riotRocking every revisionBut you listen to the toneAnd the violent rhythmThough the words sound steadySomething emptys within emWe say yeah!With fists fly up in the airLike we're holding onto something That's invisible thereCuz we're livin at the mercyOf the pain and the fearUntil we dead itForget itLet it all disappearChorus:Waiting for the end to comeWishing I had strength to standThis is not what I had plannedIt's out of my controlFlying at the speed of lightThoughts were spinning in my headSo many things were left unsaidIt's hard to let you goI know what it takes to move onI know how it feels to lieAll I wanna doIs trade this life for something newHolding on to what I haven't gotSitting in an empty roomTrying to forget the pastThis was never meant to lastI wish it wasn't soI know what it takes to move onI know how it feels to lieAll I wanna doIs trade this life for something newHolding on to what I haven't gotWhat was leftWhen that fire was goneI thought it felt alrightBut that right was wrongAll caught up in the eye of the stormAnd trying to figure outWhat it's like moving onAnd I don't even know What kind of things I saidMy mouth kept moving And my mind went deadPicking up the piecesNow where to beginThe hardest part of ending Is starting againAll I wanna doIs trade this life for something newHolding on to what I haven't gotThis is not the endThis is not the beginningJust a voice like a riotRocking every revisionBut you listen to the tone(I'm holding on to what I haven't got)And the violent rhythmThough the words sound steadySomething emptys within emWe say yeahWith fists fly up in the airLike we're holding onto something That's invisible thereCuz we're livin at the mercy(I'm holding on to what I haven't got)Of the pain and the fearUntil we dead itForget itLet it all disappear