Saturday, October 11, 2014

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

Where to begin?
I haven't posted here in a while. Honestly? It's because I've been avoiding it.
A LOT of things have happened since the last time I posted here.
Truth be told, when I write - I need to be in a specific mindset. Not necessarily a "writers-mindset" but just... mentally strong enough to deal with processing my thoughts.

Since my last post, a lot of things happened. Most of which completely took me by surprise and put my life on a different trajectory from what I had originally set it for. It wasn't easy.
It marked the darkest part of my journey so far. It accumulated in a year of failure and modesty.
At times, things were looking so dire I did not dare to contemplate them. I cannot begin to explain what happened yet. I don't think I'm ready to do it yet. Perhaps in time, I will gain a better perspective once this storm has been sailed through.

I was lost. In many ways, I still am. But I think what marks the difference now is me understanding how lost I was. I was so focused on figuring out everything, so obsessed with denying my own shortcomings that I completely neglected the importance of letting things go. It's kind of ironic, because I've always had a weird balance of borderline compulsive planning with a seemingly easy attitude to deal with the unexpected. But this time around, I guess I finally really found myself truly out of steam, out of breath, out of sheer strength and will-power to crawl through.
I found out that I too, have a limit. And let me tell you, figuring out that I'm not as strong as I thought I am was probably the hardest thing I have ever come to realize.
I kept on pushing, even though my body was aching. I kept on pushing even though my health was deteriorating. I kept on pushing until I had nothing left to keep me going. Instead of just realizing how overwhelmed I was, I kept on going - thinking there would be light at the end of the tunnel, if I could only just get a tiny bit more done.

Boy was I wrong.
I was under tremendous pressure, not only by the outside world, but by my own standards to meet demands that were simply unrealistic. I was lost. I knew I was lost. And I was freaking out.
It took me a while, and a certain set of events to finally reembark on the path of finding myself.
It all started with a glimmer of hope lighting up in my heart. Seemingly unknowingly I was reminded by a stranger of that which I had forgotten a long time ago - the source of my inner strength does not radiate from myself but instead I gain it through others.
This little.. shimmer of hope, helped me push through the first few obstacles I was facing, which were the hardest to break through. To get me moving in the right direction again.
But of course, as things are.. I was met with a setback again. This setback almost broke my back again, but I had the spirit to keep on going. I had seen who I was, what I had become and what I wanted to become and I kept on pushing again towards what I wanted to be.
This eventually led to me having the best summer of my life.
And I am thankful.
To rekindle with myself, to reconcile with my past, my failures but to also dare to do something that I had not done in such a long time.. to dream. To hope.

Which again brings me to where we are now.
A few days ago, I was hit by a car. A hit and run accident when I was on my bike. Fortunately I managed to avoid getting seriously injured. But being hit... brought perspective to me again.
Sometimes life brings us dark and gloomy views, and life twists and turns and hurls so much that we forget our purpose. We get lost in the madness and lose track of what is truly important.

Sitting in an empty room, trying to forget the past instead of focusing on the future. Living at the mercy of the pain and darkness instead of fighting for what we truly dream, what we truly hope for deep in our own hearts. What I realized, after all these years abroad, is not how empty and silent things are - but rather how fragile and beautiful life truly is. How wonderful hope and love is. That what it all comes down to in the end, is a feeling, so fragile yet so beautiful.
That feeling you get when you wake up next to someone, that feeling when time stands still and nothing else matters. The feeling of connection, not to the material, but the metaphysical. To life. To love, to hope, to ambition, to the insatiable pursuit of happiness and completeness which drives us beyond our greatest sorrows and hardships and lands us where it may. Regardless of the outcome.
The hardest part of ending is starting again. Picking up the pieces and rearranging them.

Anyway, I kind of lost track of where I'm going with this. I've managed to get a cold from my wonderful little niece (some day you might end up reading this, so let me reassure you that I love you pulling my eyelids to wake me up).

I'll leave you with some lyrics to Linkin Park - Waiting for the End along with the video.

This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something emptys within em

We say yeah!
With fists fly up in the air
Like we're holding onto something That's invisible there
Cuz we're livin at the mercy
Of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it
Forget it
Let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left
When that fire was gone
I thought it felt alright
But that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out
What it's like moving on
And I don't even know What kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving And my mind went dead
Picking up the pieces
Now where to begin
The hardest part of ending Is starting again

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone(I'm holding on to what I haven't got)
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something emptys within em

We say yeah
With fists fly up in the air
Like we're holding onto something That's invisible there
Cuz we're livin at the mercy(I'm holding on to what I haven't got)
Of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it
Forget it
Let it all disappear

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Beginning of the end.

It's been a while since I updated my blog, mostly because I couldn't find the energy to express my thoughts but also because I was indeed busy in my thoughts. But anyway, seeing as I am starting the last year I figured I should write a more introductory and lengthy post.

My last published entry was written about 6 months ago. That's quite a while ago. I actually did write a few posts along the way, but I just never found them relevant enough to publish them.
Suffice to say these past 6 months have been quite hectic for me, as a matter of fact the entire year was quite hectic for me. 

I started my 5th year of Medicine carrying a subject from the previous year (Neurology), and I had quite the stressful summer just before thanks to Radiology (lol who would have thought right?). So anyway, I managed to pass the year thankfully and carry on but due to the nature of how I "in the last minute" passed the year, I again ended up being stressed and mentally exhausted coming into the fifth year. 
Ironically, after so many years of having no real summer vacation you actually kind of get used to it in a terrible way. So I just picked up and carried on, one day at a time. Without much energy to do much else mind you. I stayed on track though, and did everything I could do throughout the year except for the exams I was barred from doing due to Neurology (which I passed during the summer).

So anyway, long story short. I didn't have a summer vacation this year either, nor did I find the time to go home. So that marks.. 5 years for me now. But, and here comes the important bit, I'm still here!

I am a shell of my former self in many ways, tired, exhausted but I haven't broken down yet. I'm so proud of me. I'm so proud that I managed to get this far, despite the up's and down's, despite not going on holiday for 5 years. I made it! And now, here I am, in 6th year of medicine. It's a bit mind boggling for me to look back at the past few years and then fast-forward to the present and see myself. To think that in about a year from now, I will be a doctor. That I so far pulled through the hardships, the loneliness, the alienation, the stresses and discomforts of being in a place far away from "home".

I'm filled with joy, but also with sadness. Sadness because this year marks the beginning of the end for me. As happy as I am for making it this far, I'm also sad that I will be leaving it behind. Another chapter in my life will have been finalized and closed. I kind of felt the same when I was in 6th grade ready to go to the next step (7th grade), and when I was in 9th grade ready to go to Gymnasium and now I feel it too. It's the feeling of being "the oldest kid in school" and knowing you're just there to get ready for the next step away. This time around it's totally different though because in all the previous situations I was always going to "the next step of school" but this time around it's adulthood and the notion is a bit frightening to be honest.

It's really strange. Moments like these remind me of my age, 24 (turning 25 in december), and I kind of panic a bit. When I was 10, I figured people 20+ were adults. I am 20+ now but it's not like I feel like an "adult". In fact, I still feel like I'm 17. And when I see the numbers on my passport or wherever, I kind of stop and think "how the hell am I 24 now?" 

Life is so precious and so short. I wish I could wind the clock back 15 years and just be a kid again. To watch cartoons all day or play video games without a single worry on my mind. To come home to a warm meal with my family after being outside playing. I miss it. I miss it so much. I miss my parents. I miss the feeling of joy I had when I was 5 and my dad came home from work during the winter in Sweden, and I used to run up to him and greet him by the front door. He was wearing his leather jacket and as he embraced me and lifted me, my cheek would rest on his cold leather jacket. I remember it so vividly. The smell of his perfume, the sensation of his jacket and the sound of his voice. I love you dad. So much. You are my hero and my greatest role model. And then my mother, and her unconditional love. I love you so much mom. I remember how you read for me, every night. How you taught me so much about history, culture and life. I am so grateful to you, for showing me the world mom. For travelling with me all over the world and teaching me and showing me what's out there. If my father taught me rationality and reason, my mother taught me to appreciate beauty and complexity. And then of course I have my sister. My little darling kid sister. You are a grown woman now, and I love you so much. As I set to finish my last student journey, you are just on the verge of beginning yours and I wish you the greatest of success.

So yes. This is the 6th year. Undoubtedly the toughest and most challenging year.
The beginning of the end.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Overball and Oddball.

Hello world.
There are a few things I'd like to talk about. First off, there's this amazing inflatable rubber ball called "Overball" which is used to help with posture and stuff. It's fairly cheap and it's really amazing. Tried one today at Dpt. of Public Health and I thought to myself "WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?!?1+1" so I went ahead and bought one. Turns out they are super cheap too. Great comfort when sitting, just place the ball at whatever level of air you want it on, to support your lower back and you're good to go.

Moving on.
Check this link out to clear your head. Yes, I know you laughed, or at least giggled. It made me almost choke my gum the first time I saw it. Hilarious :D
On a different note, the weather is getting better now. The rainy patch is over and the season is making it's shift into Spring. It's really nice, climate getting a bit milder is always welcome. Though I'm not looking forward to the bugs and insects this year, considering the mild winter with rain and water puddles everywhere... not a good sign.

Here's a song made by some swedish dudes. It's a nice song :p

Sigh, I'm tired. It's Friday. The end of a long and rough week. I should be excited about the upcoming weekend but I can't say that I am. I'm tired, or well I'm always tired because I barely get to sleep but that's not what I mean. I'm getting exhausted. I need a challenge, I need to get somewhere. I feel like I'm getting stagnant, like I'm not growing mentally as much as I should. OH FFS, hang on I have to kill this flippin fly. There we go, where was I? Right, I'm bored. I miss being young. Or well I don't miss being 16 but I miss the stuff I did back then. I miss the good old days of fun, stupidity and greatness combined.

I guess I'll be saying the same thing in 10 years from now. But isn't it true? Don't we become less prone to adventures as we get older? I hope not. I hope I never let go of my dreams and ideas. Sure, many of them are far-fetched and retarded, but I don't know. They are the only things which remain untainted by this so called "reality" of adulthood. I want to spend time someplace secluded, I'm going to Antarctica. I'm going to go hiking across mountains and borders. I will go to places where I am needed, but also where I'm not needed.

And right now... I'm going to the living room, because clearly I need a bit more Chivas.
Have a great Friday internets.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Black Magic

What is this sorcery? I just realized I haven't posted anything on this blog for months. I guess I've been too busy derping on Twitter/F(ML)acebook. So what's new? Not much, just extreme weather :D But do not despair, for all is not lost. Check this video out. Someone's buzzing alright :p Oh yea, sleeping pattern is all messed up again. (Shocker) Got to find a way to sort it out again.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Death of Steve Jobs

OK. So, last week Steve Jobs died by complications caused by his cancer. He died relatively young at the age of 56.

As most of you know, Steve Jobs was one of the founders of Apple, and also the CEO for a long period of time. Now, Steve Jobs wasn't a tech savvy guy. He was no Bill Gates, nor was he some coding developer genius. He was just some guy who wanted to make money.

Now, a lot of fan boys are going to freak out now by saying that Steve Jobs vision was that the Personal Computer should be a tool available to everyone. WRONG, that's just what he said in some fancy interviews. Why? Because public image is everything for a company. You want people to think that you're the "good guys". I mean who in their right minds will want to be associated or support "bad" and "unethical" companies?

Steve Jobs, was a master of deceit, litigation and theft. Did you know that almost none of the successful Apple products were actually Apple products? In fact, Apple is among the top tier of companies that has been involved in litigation processes regarding patents and settlements. Did you know that Steve Jobs had a daughter, that he denied even in court claiming he was sterile?

So why do we not hear all this crap? Publicity. Apple has done a great job, mostly with the help of Steve Jobs excellent manipulation skills, of establishing a cult around their product lines. That's why even though they were struggling for so long, they still had an adamant fanbase that was willingly shouting the name of their "favorite" brand throughout everything. This elitism, is based upon nothing more than to play on the sensation of being "exclusive". Something which, for a very long time, struggled as an idea to get established in the working class.

When I read posts about how Steve Jobs opened the world of IT to the commons, I seriously don't know whether to cry or freak out over how retarded such claims are. Steve Jobs did everything he could to restrain evolution of technology. Most people seem to have forgotten that when iPods were first released, they didn't work unless you had a Mac. Most people seem to have forgotten about how Apple battled standards regarding ports and what not. How many Mac owners, to this day, use adapters because they otherwise can't use their other monitors?

Apple's strategy is pretty simple, once you buy something from them, they want you to be stuck with them for life. That means, whatever you may require, be it hardware related or software related, you must go through them - and as such they can get more money out of you. I don't think that's "opening the world", if anything it's closing it. If I want to buy an external monitor for my laptop, I can just walk into any electronic shop and buy a monitor, knowing it will work. If I have a Mac, I gotta worry about picking up adapters or be forced to just buy the Apple hardware, which is of course much more expensive.

This idea of monopolizing hardware/software to their product is far from "bringing the computer to the commons". 

Let's leave Apple aside and speak of him personally a bit as well. People bash Bill Gates all over the world, calling him corrupt, calling Windows evil and what not. The irony of this all is, Steve Jobs has not donated a single cent of his immense wealth back to the world. Be it via research funding or simply just charitable donations to organisation in dire need. They were even criticized by GreenPeace for being the least environmentally friendly company. Bill Gates on the other hand, donates millions every year to combat poverty, disease and illiteracy. But yet, Bill Gates is the bad guy and Steve Jobs is a saint.

I can't help to think about the irony of the situation. Medical research in cancer treatment and other currently incurable diseases is in dire need of research funding. And when he has never donated a single cent, it's kind of ironic that he got affected by one of the least understood (treatment wise) cancers out there. 
Steve Jobs had an islet cell neuroendocrine tumor. This represents about 1% of all pancreatic cancers diagnosed every year in the US. Researchers don't know nearly enough of this form of cancer as they do with other more common pancreatic cancers. So of course, because funding is limited, you'd rather invest money and time to research on more common cancers instead of worrying about the most rare ones. It's just logical thinking that you prioritize saving maybe tens of thousands, maybe millions of lives instead of worrying about thousands. 

Anyway, dying sucks and no one should die at such a young age. But in all honesty, I don't mourn the death of Steve Jobs, in fact I think the world of IT will be a less of an evil place when people who share his sentiment decrease in the total. There are thousands of people who die every day, of far more tragic circumstances, that were far more useful to society and mankind than Steve Jobs was, or would ever have been.

Off topic: If you want to win a free MacBook Air, click this and read up. Hurry because the contest finishes in 20 days. You can also get a free month of Spotify Premium here.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Twins Presentation (Neonatology)

So, me and my colleagues prepared a theoretical presentation regarding Twins for our Neonatology class.
The powerpoint presentation includes the theoretical basis of the Twins phenomena, the incidence rates and complications which may arise.

It's a great tool for learning more about twins!
Download the Twins.ppt here!

Also, support me in my competition by clicking this link. It leads to a university studies and support page, which helps students find their sources for higher education. Click it and help me!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Studeravidare och vinn en Macbook Air!

Hej alla!
Det finns en hel del därute som är villiga att plugga vidare men inte vet riktigt hur och var de vill läsa.
But fear not! är ett bra hjälpmedel för er! Klicka på länken så kommer ni till sidan. Där hittar ni information om skolor och utbildningar m.m.

Och det är inte allt! För på kan ni nämligen skriva upp er i en tävling där man har en chans att vinna en helt gratis Macbook Air, ELLER få gratis spotify premium! Så tveka inte, go ahead and click the link!

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