Saturday, September 22, 2012

Beginning of the end.

It's been a while since I updated my blog, mostly because I couldn't find the energy to express my thoughts but also because I was indeed busy in my thoughts. But anyway, seeing as I am starting the last year I figured I should write a more introductory and lengthy post.

My last published entry was written about 6 months ago. That's quite a while ago. I actually did write a few posts along the way, but I just never found them relevant enough to publish them.
Suffice to say these past 6 months have been quite hectic for me, as a matter of fact the entire year was quite hectic for me. 

I started my 5th year of Medicine carrying a subject from the previous year (Neurology), and I had quite the stressful summer just before thanks to Radiology (lol who would have thought right?). So anyway, I managed to pass the year thankfully and carry on but due to the nature of how I "in the last minute" passed the year, I again ended up being stressed and mentally exhausted coming into the fifth year. 
Ironically, after so many years of having no real summer vacation you actually kind of get used to it in a terrible way. So I just picked up and carried on, one day at a time. Without much energy to do much else mind you. I stayed on track though, and did everything I could do throughout the year except for the exams I was barred from doing due to Neurology (which I passed during the summer).

So anyway, long story short. I didn't have a summer vacation this year either, nor did I find the time to go home. So that marks.. 5 years for me now. But, and here comes the important bit, I'm still here!

I am a shell of my former self in many ways, tired, exhausted but I haven't broken down yet. I'm so proud of me. I'm so proud that I managed to get this far, despite the up's and down's, despite not going on holiday for 5 years. I made it! And now, here I am, in 6th year of medicine. It's a bit mind boggling for me to look back at the past few years and then fast-forward to the present and see myself. To think that in about a year from now, I will be a doctor. That I so far pulled through the hardships, the loneliness, the alienation, the stresses and discomforts of being in a place far away from "home".

I'm filled with joy, but also with sadness. Sadness because this year marks the beginning of the end for me. As happy as I am for making it this far, I'm also sad that I will be leaving it behind. Another chapter in my life will have been finalized and closed. I kind of felt the same when I was in 6th grade ready to go to the next step (7th grade), and when I was in 9th grade ready to go to Gymnasium and now I feel it too. It's the feeling of being "the oldest kid in school" and knowing you're just there to get ready for the next step away. This time around it's totally different though because in all the previous situations I was always going to "the next step of school" but this time around it's adulthood and the notion is a bit frightening to be honest.

It's really strange. Moments like these remind me of my age, 24 (turning 25 in december), and I kind of panic a bit. When I was 10, I figured people 20+ were adults. I am 20+ now but it's not like I feel like an "adult". In fact, I still feel like I'm 17. And when I see the numbers on my passport or wherever, I kind of stop and think "how the hell am I 24 now?" 

Life is so precious and so short. I wish I could wind the clock back 15 years and just be a kid again. To watch cartoons all day or play video games without a single worry on my mind. To come home to a warm meal with my family after being outside playing. I miss it. I miss it so much. I miss my parents. I miss the feeling of joy I had when I was 5 and my dad came home from work during the winter in Sweden, and I used to run up to him and greet him by the front door. He was wearing his leather jacket and as he embraced me and lifted me, my cheek would rest on his cold leather jacket. I remember it so vividly. The smell of his perfume, the sensation of his jacket and the sound of his voice. I love you dad. So much. You are my hero and my greatest role model. And then my mother, and her unconditional love. I love you so much mom. I remember how you read for me, every night. How you taught me so much about history, culture and life. I am so grateful to you, for showing me the world mom. For travelling with me all over the world and teaching me and showing me what's out there. If my father taught me rationality and reason, my mother taught me to appreciate beauty and complexity. And then of course I have my sister. My little darling kid sister. You are a grown woman now, and I love you so much. As I set to finish my last student journey, you are just on the verge of beginning yours and I wish you the greatest of success.

So yes. This is the 6th year. Undoubtedly the toughest and most challenging year.
The beginning of the end.

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